CEMETERY VISIT WITH THE GIRLS
On Sunday afternoons, I play hide and seek with the girls
from school. I trip over gravestones and the sound
of a girl’s laughter. A lump rises in my throat, emerging as a smile
on my lips. My heart beats so hard behind the tree trunk
that I can’t believe no one finds me. I am always the last to be found.
When we are leaving, I am sure to cut my palms with the edges of my nails,
exiling this demon I do not recognize. The blood forms in a ball
I cradle in my palm. When the others aren’t looking, I let it fall to the ground
& press it into the dirt with the tips of my toes. I say another prayer
and take the scissors to my fingers until they are held to my throat.
My heart rises there, shatters, and falls to my stomach. Her gaze buries itself
in my shirt like cotton thread. Maybe I don’t deserve for you to come to my house
with pitchforks and torches because my grandmother is Muslim, but maybe I do
because of these butterflies perched atop my heart. The scissors are cold
against my hair, and I cut and cut and cut until my scalp shines empty. The girls cheer
when each lock falls onto the tile and I keep smiling. This is their favorite show,
at least other than church sermons. If the heart carries love and the blood fuels the heart,
if enough blood drips onto the grass, I will not be only bloodless but loveless, too.
I’m not sure if that would be better than this, but I’m willing to try. I sit on a stool
and wait for my hair to grow back blond & curled. Together, we count the seconds
until the ticking stops, until my heart beats still in my palm, until a butterfly takes flight.
The girls leave Monday morning, tired of keeping vigil at a grave. There is a line
at the cemetery tonight. I keep counting. I can already tell you what the autopsy will say:
the girl’s heart could not be located. After all, I was always best at hiding.
Amy Li is a young writer and artist from Georgia. She edits for the Augment Review, and her work appears in or is forthcoming in Gone Lawn, Gossamer Lit, and Biological Creatures, among others. Though her favorite activity is probably procrastinating, she also adores winter walks, binging TV shows, and sweet tea.